Myths About LGBTIQ Domestic Violence
MYTH: "Violence between two men or two women is a 'fight'
between equals."
Truth: Domestic violence is not the same as a consensual
fight, no matter who is involved. Loving, healthy
relationships do not include physical fighting. Domestic
violence is about control and domination of one person by
another; either person could be male, either person could be
female. Batterers do not have to be bigger or stronger than
the person they abuse. MYTH: "If you fight back, then it's not abuse."
Truth: Survivors have used violence
for many reasons, including self-defense, desperation, anger,
and to try to stop the abuse. When survivors use violence, the
results can be complicated. Police are often confused by LGBTIQ
domestic violence and may arrest the wrong or both parties.
Friends may disbelieve the survivor. Using violence to survive
is a sign that something is wrong, so making a plan to get
support is important. MYTH: "Women are not violent and cannot be abusers."
Truth: There is ample evidence that all genders have capacity
for violence. Abusers and their victims can come from any
gender, culture, race, class, nationality, and religion.
MYTH: "Lesbian relationships are based on equality - lesbians
have ideal, loving relationships."
Truth: Lesbian relationships are just as good and as bad as
all other relationships and have most of the same problems.
The myth that lesbian relationships are perfect leads to
silence among lesbians who are abused. MYTH: "Domestic violence primarily occurs among LGBTIQ people
who hang out at bars, are poor, or are people of color."
Truth: Abusers and their victims come from all genders, races,
classes, religions, and nationalities. Racist and classist
stereotypes around domestic violence are common not just in
the LGBTIQ community, but also in the dominant heterosexual
culture. MYTH: "Men cannot be victims. Any man can defend himself
against partner abuse."
Truth: Men can be victims of all types of violence, including
partner abuse. The myth of men as immune to victimization
contributes to silence among gay male victims of partner
abuse. MYTH: "There are no legal or financial ties in LGBTIQ
relationships, so leaving an abuser is much easier."
Truth: The lack of legal remedies for LGBTIQ couples who split
up actually can make leaving an abusive situation much more
difficult. There is no alimony, no child support, no family
court set up to work with LGBTIQ couples. The abused partner is
often also the sole income and may feel too guilty about
leaving their abuser indigent. Leaving the situation can also
frequently result in homelessness for the victim.
MYTH: "There are no children in LGBTIQ relationships, so leaving
an abusive relationship is much easier."
Truth: Parenting and legal guardian laws can vary state to
state; however, in most states, two parents of the same gender
cannot both be the legal parents. This means that only one
parent is the biological parent and/or legal guardian, and the
other parent, no matter how involved they are in a child's
life, has no legal acknowledgment of the child as a parent. If the
perpetrator is also the sole legal guardian of the child, the
victim cannot legally leave the relationship and bring the
child with them. Thus, fleeing the abuse often means leaving
the child in an abusive situation and/or never seeing that
child again. MYTH: "The law will protect all victims of domestic violence,
regardless of sexual orientation and gender identity."
Truth: Although many law enforcement professionals and court
personnel receive some training about domestic violence, they
usually receive very little regarding same-sex domestic
violence and even less (if any) regarding trans and intersex
victimization. In addition, laws on restraining orders,
mandatory arrest, anti-discrimination and custody, vary from state to state. Frequently, laws surrounding relationship
issues do not address LGBTIQ people or more overtly exclude and
discriminate against LGBTIQ people. Legal remedies may work for
some LGBTIQ victims but not for others, depending on where one
lives and how one defines their relationship. Some laws may
work for LGB people but exclude trans and intersex people.
MYTH: "Community-based agencies who work with victims of
domestic violence will work with all victims, regardless of
sexual orientation and gender identity."
Truth: The majority of domestic violence programs are geared
towards working with female survivors, defined somewhat
narrowly (biological women who identify as women). This means
that intersex, transgender, and male victims may be excluded
from services, particularly if the services include a
residential shelter. Lesbian victims generally have access to
domestic violence shelters, but may face discrimination or
harassment in the shelter. Many community-based domestic
violence programs, however, have recognized the gaps in services for
LGBTIQ victims and are actively working to make their services
more inclusive. MYTH: LGBTIQ victims can almost always find support within
the LGBTIQ community."
Truth: While some victims do find support within the LGBTIQ
community, many others do not. First, even in large cities,
the LGBTIQ community is relatively small. Thus, if a victim
wanted to avoid their perpetrator, they might also have to cut
themselves off from their usual hang-outs. Leaving the abuse
could mean total isolation. In addition, many members of the
LGBTIQ community are reluctant to accept the reality of
domestic violence within relationships because of societal
homophobia and transphobia, and thus may not believe or support
a victim. For more information:
Top of Page
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Q & A
Myths about domestic violence
Difference between same-sex and
opposite sex violence
Questions to ask
yourself about your
relationship
What you can do if
you are scared or
concerned
Related Pages
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